The Cucumber Circle is a community building effort. We came together as listeners, learners and labourers for a hospitable and enriching experience of giving and receiving. This reflection elaborates on the NVC framework of Observation, Feelings, Needs and Request, which was one topic explored. To safeguard mutual trust and the wellbeing of participants, names have been changed.

The Circle was delayed by the rain and initially, it was a little difficult to talk over the pitter pater of raindrops on the awning but the labour of listening prevailed. Collectively, the Circle was a labour of love that was celebrated till late with a meal with gifts from the sea, the fields and the hills.

Jane was facilitating an anger management programme when a difference in opinion led one participant to stand up and slam his chair on the ground. Immediately another participant placed himself between the two who were disagreeing and moments later the situation de-escalated, and the session resumed.

It was a tense moment for Jane, but she decided not to call for help as she wanted to honour the ground rule that whatever happens in the group stays in the group. She felt her shoulders tightening, her heart pounding but she believed that she was not in danger and importantly, as a facilitator, she owed it to the group to learn from the incident. She knew that it was an important learning moment for herself too which would be lost if the session was abandoned.

Jane’s sharing provided the context to delve into the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) Framework of Observation, Feelings, Needs and Request (OFNR). Observing the participant slam his chair triggered feelings of anxiety which were felt on her shoulders and her chest, but as she remained centred and grounded herself in her role, she recognized that her need for safety was met. Then by not calling for help, she attended to her needs for autonomy, choice and competency.

The purpose of nonviolent communication is to create a quality of connection among people that supports a mutual meeting of needs. By firstly self-regulating their own feelings and recognising their own needs, NVC practitioners put themselves in a better place to empathise with the feelings and needs of others and to put forth a request that furthers communication.

Here is a matrix that illustrates a possible application of NVC in Jane’s context:

Requests help establish connection and actions that facilitate meaningful connection. We may not always get the words right and may even come across rather clumsily, but it is the intention and not so much the words that matter. The intention to work together to acknowledge, appreciate and to meet our needs. We should be fine as long as we are intending to connect not correct.

All of us have similar universal human needs and this is the common ground that we all stand on to communicate and cooperate on situations that impede them.

The Circle also raised a couple of other questions that led to brief sharing of knowledge and demonstration of skills. Firstly, “How do we address homophobia at the workplace?” received the response that while NVC will facilitate better communication, Culture Change requires much planning, leadership and organisational mandate.

Secondly, “How do we remain calm when triggered by the tone of voice from someone speaking to us?” brought forth a bit of info about our brain. The limbic/warning system in our brain goes off at the slightest sign of danger and when our alarms are ringing loudly, the prefrontal cortex which is the part of the brain that handles decision making cannot function.

In the context of communication, often the loudness of the alarm is disproportionate to the words spoken. So simple deep breathing will reset the alarm and restore the thinking part of the brain for a proportionate or helpful response. For an elaboration, check out the many videos explaining Dr Dan Siegel's Hand Model of the Brain on YouTube.

Also, in response to the second question, the practice of “Going to Wind” was introduced. As children, we may have retorted to unkind words by proclaiming “Sticks and stones may bring my bones, but words will never hurt me!” Perhaps the statement may ring true for some but many of us are impacted by words that we find unpleasant if not hurtful. “Going to Wind” is the practice of avoiding the full force of hurtful words hurled at us.

After checking out, we closed the session with the S.U.R. F. practice. I will share more about various practices in due course but for now, I am filled with gratitude for the mutual learning and camaraderie generated during our first Cucumber Circle.

For peace and community,

Gerard